once you told me about these undesirables who lived under a freeway bridge near the ghetto strip. blue and amanda. hundreds of needles broken off in their bodies.
today i went to t-mobile to buy a phone. they were dicks. so i left kind of unsatisfied. as i drove i saw some brunette meth head on the corner hustling for change. blindly i made a u-turn, parked and intercepted her to see if every slumdog knew blue and amanda. i broke out in a cold sweat. red flag.
"blue? i aint heard of blue. you mean joel, her old man?"
"they left a while ago to hook up some kid that’d been waiting all day. they went to smoke a while ago they should be back soon. i mean she left all her shit. she left her sign. her food. she wouldn’t have left anything if she was done for the day."
well it’s cause i’ve been having trouble lately…
fortunately though right?
"im not into it, i got my own thing going, you know?" shes picking at her neck. her man and baby watch her all day on the corner. that "help/homeless" cardboard sign has a home in her sweaty hands.
"they just went to go smoke. they should be back soon." my stomach clenches. my skin crawls and my mouth waters and im such an idiot. i walk to my car disgusted and drive home. but something clicked in my brain. flipped a switch as i like to describe it. and nothing mattered. and why the hell nots are everwhere. im so turned on the shivers don’t go away. and the excitement made me cocky. im so fucking stupid. and the butterflies thundered. my mom was late from work. so i race out to the corner again. the bus stop is filled and everyone knows amanda.
"what are you looking for her for?" this mexican suprised me. he looked clean and innocent. but his gaze was piercing me.
im just a friend of a friend…
"you chasing?" i didn’t answer i just glared back at him. i felt judged. he was sizing me up. looking back now i think he was my long lost connect. or a cop. chasing, meaning chasing drugs? chasing a high. the high. thats what he meant. he was talking about black. and he was the only one that got close. i moved on. i waited on the corner. i had a couple cigarettes. jeremy walked up to me from the bus station with bags of shit. he bums a cigarette. he can’t help it. his parents wont let him back in the house. another salesmen or snitch. i could see it in his eyes. he was cautious in approaching me. he wasnt mexican guy obvious. but i was determined to mention you to amanda. to get an in. to not get fucked over. i had 60 in my cleavage. jeremy asks if im waiting for her. he complains that hes been waiting all day. he has the 4 bars she asked him for. sorry man this fish is too onetrack to bite.
"well, did you want to buy any batteries or scopes. i got a bunch of cool shit for sale."
ha naw man.
"well if you see her tell her jeremy has the bars for her." he was selling them for 4 each. he walks away a little disenchanted. im feeling the same. everything is wearing off. desire, hunger, sweats, adrenaline. disappointment plucks the wings of each butterfly, one at a time, until it settles in the pit of my stomach. a seed in the pit of me. i wait by the amandas bags of stuff. by her sign that sits on top a green electrical box. now im shivering, but because its cold and dark. i shuffle to my car. i give myself a time limit. and i drive home empty handed and lonely. without a phone i couldnt talk to you at all. i felt dumb. and lucky. but i felt a certain pride about having enough courage to not chicken out. and for being adventurous. well for the hour i waited anyway. somehow i didnt think youd be worried. but proud and relieved that you didn’t have to take care of this, say, if it had worked out. happy that you weren’t responsible and yet you were rewarded. i really thought youd be proud of me and i know now thats stupid. im glad i came up empty handed. walking into a knife with a smile on my face. impulses can be odd. amazing how much danger i put myself in. how quickly that can happen. but im safe and reassured by your display of concern.
i really dont need anything. but especially feeling your love, i fucking dont want anything else.